Excuse me…what’s my Inspiration???

So…I haven’t blogged a lot.

 I usually don’t, to be perfectly honest.

I like the “idea” of blogging.  I like to do it.  I like to write.  I like to think through my thoughts.  And I actually kind of like having my thoughts out there for the whole world to see.  But, for some reason, when it comes down to writing…I just don’t do it.

I wish I did.

I have a friend who is a writer, and I remember reading a blog of his a few months back.  It essentially said that a lot of people want to be writers (which is true, I think everyone wants to be at some level, which may be why blogging is so popular).  Anyway…A lot of people want to be writer’s…and he said that really…the only thing to writing…was to WRITE.

 Go figure, right?

It’s not going to get written without you (or me, in my case) writing it.

I’m reminded of a commercial for some product, I can’t remember.  And I don’t really remember the premise of the commercial either.  I think I remember, but I may be way off.  Essentially, as I recall, it was a few no-name actors that were trying this product.  They were trying to act like Shakespearian actors, and really ham it up…and finally one of them looks to the camera and says, “Excuse me….what’s my motivation?”  It was actually pretty funny in the commercial…but I realize that here, maybe not so much.

What motivates us to write?   What inspires us to write???  I say us there, because I’m hoping that you, as Joe Blogreader, are somewhat in this with me…or can at least relate.

I know the answers to those questions are different for everybody.  I mean, for me, at this moment, my lack of inspiration is what is inspiring me to write.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I need motivation, but for me, writing is not motivation in itself. 

What is kind of ironic to me is that my life is literally filled with inspiration…I just have to pay attention.

Input / Output Error

I remember back in the day when I was a Computer Science major (it didn’t last long, Calculus 2 put a quick end to it).  I was pretty good at programming…thinking logically really is all it involves.  If you want the computer to do this, you just have to tell it step by step exactly what to do in a way that it understands. 

All that being said, the dreaded thing that would come up when I programmed was the old, “input / output” error.  Essentially what this means is that the computer recieves something, has to process it, and then spits out something else.  I mean, look at a calculator.  The user says 2 + 2, which the computer in the calculator recieves, and then outputs a 4.

Unless something goes wrong.  Sometimes, the computer expects a number, so that it can spit back out a different number.  And Input / Output error would occur when the computer expects a number, and the user types a letter instead.  Now…for the most part, these issues are dealt with…the computer just asks for the same thing again, until it recieves the correct information so that it can output correctly…but if the programmer didn’t tell the computer what to do with that wrong information, then the program would display the error and quit running.  A good programmer knows what the computer will do when the wrong information is given, and will tell the computer how to handle it.

But input / output errors are a pain in the butt for a novice programmer.

I was thinking about how my counseling sessions have been going.  The things that I’ve been finding out.

I think alot of my life has been an input output error.

People who are important to me will tell me something.  Give me input.  This input would then be processed. And would generally cause some sort of output in response.

Somewhere in the flow of that…usually along the processing part…I get mixed up.  It’s a lot of why this rebirth is happening in me.  That whole processing thing…It gets messed up, and I’ve been programmed to give a different response than what is normal.

My counselor put it this way…

Say my mother were to call me and say, “Hey David, we haven’t seen you in a while.  When will we see you?”

Somewhere along the line, after recieving that input, my mind says, “David…you’re a terrible son for not going to see your mother.”

Now…that processing, that’s not right.  Because I am a great son, and deep down I know that.  But I process wrong…so, instead of saying, “I’ll see you three weeks from tomorrow,” I panic, and start apologizing, and try to drop everything to go see my mother.

This is how my brain works.  It’s this input /output error rearing it’s ugly head. 

Here’s the good part…ya know how I said a good programmer knows how to tell the computer how to deal with the bad input or output???

 God is an awesome programmer.  He’s the best I’d say. 

Give it some time, and my programs will be error free.

Over-compensation

I just got back from my first ever professional massage.  Kind of strange, not used to that type of thing.  But I realize, there is a reason people get degrees to do this.

 The things that were going on in my back were unbelievable. 

I came in complaining of upper back / shoulder pain…and thought I had it pin-pointed down.  But the therapist didn’t want to know where I thought the pain was coming from.  He wanted to work around the area, because, chances are, if one place is injured, there are several other places injured as well.

Because we over-compensate…

So…the body, in trying to avoid pain in one spot, will get other parts of the body to work harder.

 The therapist starting massaging, and almost immediately found a spot.  Right there…your muscles are tight, there’s some swelling in the tendon as well.  Is that where you would locate most of the pain.

I thought to myself, “Well, yeah, now that you are dealing with it and have found it!” but, “No” is what I actually said.  So he moves on.  He finds a spot in my lower neck.  Again…”No” that’s not the spot I would have thought was giving me the issue.

A few minutes later, after working on the neck, he hit my shoulder and my whole body tightened.  “That’s the one.” he said before I could even tell him.  He said it happened a long time ago, he was certain, and the pain is there now because the rest of the body has been compensating for so long that it is sore as well…so the original pain is now back in the forefront.

Rebirth is hard.  It seems to me that as one wound is dealt with…it rarely seems to end there.  My spirit has been overcompensating for so long, that as one wound is found, and worked through…yet another appears.

At least for the physical body, you can soak in Epsom Salt.

Making Things New

So…in this whole rebirth process…you never know what is going to need to be made new. 

Like my blog, for instance.  I wasn’t expecting to start a new blog…I thought my old blog would do just fine.  No.  Not for rebirth.  Maybe for renewal.  But not for rebirth.

Rebirth demands a new blog.

 And myspace.  I didn’t really think I would need a new myspace either.  But the old one, well, it’s old.  And that old life is gone.  It doesn’t work anymore.  Again, if I was looking for renewal, I might have a shot…but I’m not.  This is rebirth.

Rebirth demands a new myspace.

 Now…I recognize that the two examples that I just gave my not really justify that life is new.  But it does, really.  I mean, honestly, more people have the opportunity to learn about me through the internet now than to actually meet me in person. 

If I’m real in person, but not online, then I’m not truly being real, am I?  I have more contacts with people through email, or myspace, or facebook, each day than I actually meet face to face.  So, if I put up this facade online, then, well, more people actually see that, than see the real me. 

And honestly, God calls me to be real.  Real with myself, real with my family, real with my friends, and real with you.  Online is how so many people now each other now.  It’s the most prevalent outward sign of ourselves that we have.

So myspace, the new blog…these things are sacraments.  They are outward, visible signs, of this inward, invisible grace moving within me.

 Man, it’s nice to be home.

The Rebirth

The hurricane has come and gone.

 At least for now.

Sure, there’s still a few lingering storms…but the beating hail, the battering wind, and the rushing flood…that’s behind me.

I realized something recently.  I’ve been holding on.  I’ve b

een trying to salvage what is left after life changes drastically.  I’ve prayed a lot to God to renew me.  Make me strong again.

But at this point, I’m not sure that’s what God is trying to do.

Honestly, there’s not a lot left to renew.

God is giving me new life entirely.  Forget renewing the old me.  His story of the creation of me is not yet complete.  God didn’t want me to give Him the space to renew.  God wanted the space to create all over again.  I hope I have the space to let Him…

 So the bulk of the storm is over.  And as the dust settles, new life emerges. 

 Photo taken on the Gulf Coast 1 year after Hurricane Katrina, by my dear friend Sally Chambers